Texas Pages

This just arrived in my e-mail. I'm wondering -- should I contact the author and try to become his agent? Because frankly, if you overlook punctuation problems, and the spelling problems, and the predictable plot twist that leads to a request for access to my bank account, this has all the makings of a great novel. Just read the opening paragraph:

I am Mr. Anthony M----a, a rich cocoa merchant from Abidjan. my wife Naomi died when our only child Alfreda was only six month old due to illments related to cancer.Due to the love i have for my late wife i decided not to marry again and take the care of my only child as a single parent.I did everything to give my child the best education and training. Alfreda was sent to Havard University in U.S.A to study medicine but as fate will have it she died last two yrs on the september 15th 2007 in a ghastly motor accident as she went for shopping with his friend and that was the genesis of my problems.

But wait, there's more.

Since then i have been suferring from frequent heart faluires which has resulted from me been paralysed. I have taken every medical treatment to see if i can regain my health but the worst happened last month when the doctor revealed to me that there is no other medical means in which i can regain my health and the rate in which my health was detoriating that i will soon leave the mother earth.

Hold on a moment ... that "mother earth" reference makes me just a little verklempt. It's so lyrical and poetic ...

OK, I'm back. So where do you think it should go from here? Is it a novel about a wealthy man trying to do one final act of good to justify his shattered life? Maybe an unknown scion walks onto the scene, and the rich cocoa merchant has to decide whether it's legitimate? Perhaps Willy Wonka emerges as the manipulative force that has been undermining his entire life?

Maud Newton's blog is usually a good source for literary news. For the weekend, though, it was just a good lesson in how to talk Texan as she recalled Favorite Expressions of My Deceased (and Beloved) Texan Grandmother, with Explanations.

You can tell that Grandma was a real Texan because many of them can't be reprinted here. Although maybe I'm just "more skittish than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockers."

In a blatant but irresistible promotional pitch, bookfinder.com has compiled a list of the Top 10 Worst Mothers in Literature.

Their complete analysis will be posted at this link next week. But the list is available below. And I have to ask -- how is Oedipus' mom only No. 7?

Their list:

I love old Texas bookstores and was thrilled to discover last week that Bill's Books in Cleburne (about an hour and a half southwest of Dallas) is still around. My parents would take me here when I was a kid. I spent hours snooping through its maze of bookcases lined with dusty paperbacks.

Owner Bill Miller (above) opened his shop in 1980 and still mans the front counter today --- with help from four cats --- at age 76. He says he will stay working until he "drops" because that's what keeps him getting out of bed each day.

And here's some trivia: Miller used to work in the film industry and says he spent two hours one day helping director Steven Spielberg scout locations in Cleburne. The town didn't make the cut, but Miller's shop remains ready for its close-up.

Bill's Books, 116 S. Main St., Cleburne, TX 817-645-7591

Photos by cwynn

Howdy, loyal readers. Your humble books editor apologizes for being away without notice for a couple of weeks. Here's a public thanks to Joy and Nancy for making vital contributions while I was away.

I mark my return by offering you a sugary souvenir from my sojourn. My new friend Alan Scherstuhl is the creator and curator of Studies in Crap, a blog as funny as the title is crude. Alan, who freelances for the Village Voice newspaper in Kansas City, spends his time scouring thrift stores for books that time forgot ... with good reason.

He offers everything from a coloring book about a gun-toting farmer to an evaluation of the 1983 non-classic, Letters to E.T.

Alan's big score was the audiobook version of Bill O'Reilly's 1998 novel, Those Who Trespass, read by the author. Love him or hate him, you can't say you really know Bill until you hear him recite several immortal lines that cannot be posted on a blog run by a family-friendly newspaper.

Beyond the silliness, there is a deeper point to be made here about publishing. Somewhere. I'm too busy laughing to figure out what it is.

It's fun to see the kids' eyes get really big when they meet the authors and illustrators that created the books they love. And you can get that chance today at the free Dallas Children's Book Fair and Literary Festival at the J. Erik Jonsson Central Library. Get all the details on the Dallas Moms blog here.

Getting caught up after a busy couple of weeks, I'm realizing we never formally congratulated the winner of the Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year, which went to The 2009-2014 World Outlook for 60-Milligram Containers of Fromage Frais.

Readers of Britain's The Bookseller chose the cheesy winner. Runners-up included Baboon Metaphysics, Curbside Consultation of the Colon and Strip and Knit With Style.

And there was something extra-odd about this year's winner. As explained on The Bookseller's blog, the author, Philip M. Parker, is actually inventor of a "a method and apparatus for automated authoring and marketing" -- a machine that dispenses with authors. ("Isn't that what James Patterson's been doing for years?" the blogger asks.)

Bloomberg News and The New York Times have more for the curious.

I keep my own shelf of unusual books. My personal prize for the past year would go to The Complete Idiot's Guide to Getting a Tattoo. I realize that I am out of step with the times, but that seems awfully redundant to me.

Also on the shelf: Local author Kim Gatlin's Good Christian Bitches. Whether that's odd or not, it's selling books. (Alan Peppard has more.)

Got a nominee? Love to hear it.

Shelf Awareness has a nice, um, scoop on the new bailout plan for the book industry. I won't recap it all here. But I do like the suggestion that:

"... President Obama, an avid reader, is launching a book club with Oprah Winfrey. Called the Double O Book Club, the joint venture will feature titles from 'distressed' publishers and be tweeted from the White House."

Any other modest proposals out there?

And happy April.

It was a rough basketball weekend for your humble editor's alma mater, but that doesn't mean March Madness has to end.

Thanks to a timely tip from an alert reader, we heard on NPR's All Things Considered about the delight that is the Tournament of Books, wherein the creators "take 16 of the most celebrated and highly touted novels of the year, seed them in a March Madness-type bracket, conscript them into a 'Battle Royale of Literary Excellence,' and, in honor of David Sedaris's brother, present the author of the winning book a live rooster."

I tuned in just in time to see City of Refuge by Tom Piazza defeat Roberto Bolaño's 2666, and Junot Diaz just decided the winner between Peter Matthiessen's Shadow Country and Toni Morrison's A Mercy.

We're too late to fill out our own brackets -- and given my prognostication skills, that's a good thing for me -- but you can still vote on the outcome of each match. (Just scroll to the end.)

People think there's something funny about my colleague Matt Wixon. As in, funny ha-ha, not funny strange. Usually.

As proof, he has a new book out: The Great American Staycation: How to Make a Vacation at Home Fun for the Whole Family (and Your Wallet!).

When he told me about the book, I asked him to relate some thoughts about lousy stay-at-home vacations. He responded:

There are two main causes of a horrible stay-at-home vacation:

The first is the stay-at-home vacation that includes doing a lot of housework, home maintenance or filling your schedule with menial tasks that you've been putting off. In short, the worst stay-at-home vacation is the one that isn't treated somewhat like a traditional vacation, with most of the time devoted to relaxation and leisure. Taking scenic train rides, finding offbeat museums, exploring local entertainment districts, trying new restaurants, and even visiting a local spa are great potential pieces to a stay-at-home vacation. But the vacation won't be relaxing, or satisfying, if you try to weave those activities in with caulking the tub, cleaning the garage and scheduling a colonoscopy. You need to create mental distance with a stay-at-home vacation to break free from your daily grind.

Different strokes department:

If you love the smell of old books, you'll enjoy The New Yorker's Book Bench blog (via Shelf Awareness ) post about a perfume called In the Library. It was inspired by the perfumer's "love of books and his inability to pass a secondhand bookshop without stopping in." It is supposed to evoke "a first-edition English novel via 'Russian and Moroccan leather bindings, worn cloth, and a hint of wood polish."

Meanwhile, if you hate the smell of old books, I just came across this column from Heloise, indicating that you can get rid of the odor if you sprinkle a little cornstarch or baking soda throughout the dry pages and place the book in a sealable plastic bag. Don't use baking soda, which might harm old paper.

Personally, I love the smell of old books, even the musty ones. You?

(Image courtesy www.cbihateperfume.com.)

I'm not going to vouch for the science on this, but alert reader Michael Grabell sends in this link to a site that takes each college's most frequent "favorite books" as reported on Facebook, compares them with said college's average SAT/ACT scores, and ranks the books accordingly.

Books on the smart end of the chart include Lolita, 100 Years of Solitude and Crime and Punishment.

Books on the not-smart end include Zane, The Color Purple and the Bible.

While you are pondering whether the math works -- and given the number of English majors in our readership, I'm wondering whether anybody actually will -- scroll down the list of colleges to find out what's hot on each campus.

For example. the top three books at the University of Texas at Dallas are Harry Potter, the Bible and Ender's Game.

Southern Methodist University lists To Kill a Mockingbird, The Great Gatsby and the Bible.

The University of Texas at Austin has Harry Potter, the Bible and Angels and Demons.

Texas A&M lists the Bible, Harry Potter and Pride and Prejudice.

And CalTech, the "smartest" school on the list, goes with Ender's Game, 1984 and Harry Potter.

So, what can we deduce from this, other than the Internet is filled with an infinite amount of people with too much time on their hands?

I don't know what the problem is with the British and lying about books, but one guess might be that they are too busy taking surveys to actually read.

Exhibit A in that argument was this story from December, wherein 46 percent of men and 33 percent of women said they had lied about what they had read to impress friends or potential partners.

Exhibit B is this story, noted by staff writer Mary Ellen Botter, wherein Brits visiting the World Book Day Web site acknowledge that the book they most often lied about reading was 1984.

I would try to make a wry observation playing off of "ignorance is strength," but I guess they wouldn't get it.

Galleycat posts a an amusing link to a Twitter feed agent Collen Lindsay set up to get agents' and editors' nominees for worst query letters they ever received.

Among some of the more entertaining 140-character entries:

"I'm considering changing my name to 'Sir/Madam.' More of the queries would seem personal that way."

"...what about addiction, eating disorders, depression or cutting ...with zombies?"

(For the record, many of these same concerns would apply to self-published writers seeking reviews from certain newspaper editors. I'm not naming names. Just sayin'.)

Due to Facebook's new Terms of Service, our profile got bumped, so you may have noticed that we're not friends anymore. But good news: We really miss you guys and we're back in the form of a Facebook Page. So follow this link and become a fan to continue getting updates and news from GuideLive.com.

Browsing through my handy 2009 Quality Paperbacks Book Club calendar (I stay in the club just so I can get the calendar every year; it's jam-packed with fun literary tidbits), I came across this fascinating list of all-time best-selling books (if you discount the Bible, the Koran and other religious texts, which always hold the No. 1 spots). I don' t know QPB's source, but I trust they didn't just make it up.
1) Don Quixote (1605), by Miguel de Cervantes, 500 million copies
2) The Count of Monte Cristo (1844), by Alexandre Dumas, 200 million
3) And Then There Were None (a.k.a. Ten Little Indians) (1939), by Agatha Christie, 115 million
4) The Catcher in the Rye (1951), by J.D. Salinger, 65 million
5) The Da Vinci Code (2003), by Dan Brown, 64 million
6) Heidi (1880), by Johanna Spyri, 52 million
The following are all tied with around 50 milion copies sold:
* Ben Hur (1880), by Lew Wallace
* The Curse of Capistrano (a.k.a. The Mask of Zorro) (1920), by Johnston McCulley
* How to Win Friends and Influence People (1936), by Dale Carnegie
* The Little Prince (1943), by Antoine de Saint-Exupery
* The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care (1946), by Dr. Benjamin Spock
* The Alchemist (1988), by Paulo Coelho

Texas Pages readers have shown an affection for posts about unusual book titles. (Last year's winner is discussed here; other favorites are discussed here.)

So here's a fresh crop from Great Britain.

You can actually vote for your favorite via this link. I'm partial to The 2009-2014 World Outlook for 60-milligram Containers of Fromage Frais,
but I suspect Baboon Metaphysics may be tough to beat.

(Props to Shelf Awareness.)

The Jacket Copy blog over at the LA Times has an amusing thread going about T-shirts from fictional establishments in novels.

The blogger has created a fine sample for Dickens fans. Someone might want to steer her toward an outfit such as Cafe Press, which could start cranking out versions of that design and, in the process, possibly make her the most financially successful books blogger of our time.

Me? I think I will hold out for a design that declares me a veteran of the "Fighting 256th" Squadron of the Twenty-seventh Air Force. Or maybe the "It's A Wise Child" radio program?

Although if I had to stick with an actual business, it would have to be the Hat Creek Cattle Company.

You know, maybe I need to get busy on Cafe Press ...

Let's hear your own suggestions. I'll consider them for my first catalog.

Marvel Comics is issuing a special comic of The Amazing Spider-Man with Barack Obama featured in it. It seems that this is Marvel's thanks to the president-elect for being a collector and fan.

The story says the comic starts with Peter Parker taking photos at the inauguration, which is to be expected, because how else would you start a Spidey comic?

The comic should be available Wednesday, Jan. 14 at your local comic shop for $3.99, but I think a fist-bump with Spidey is priceless.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I hadn't been up to Legacy Books in Plano till this weekend, but boy-oh-boy, was it worth the drive. (I'll now schedule it with my frequent treks to Ikea, just a bit further up the Tollway.) It wasn't quite what I had expected -- when I hear the words "independent bookstore," I think musty, not quite organized, funky.

But this, THIS, is more like the Neiman Marcus of bookstores -- absolutely gorgeous, designed and organized to make my little perfectionist's heart sing, and with staff that obviously know their stuff and are waiting to pounce if you show even a HINT of confusion on your face. I stocked up on books and stocking stuffers (trays, pens, frames) that were different from any I'd seen elsewhere. Also love the selection of fabulously pretty papers and cards. The food and hot chocolate I acquired at the cafe were far above typical bookstore fare, as well.

If they'd plop an air mattress down somewhere -- or, given the aesthetic, a Tempurpedic on a fancy Italian bedframe -- I'd be very happy living there. They have lots and lots of book signings and activities, and it's really NOT that far -- I live downtown, and on the Saturday before Christmas it took me only about 25 minutes to get to the North Dallas Tollway and Legacy Drive. It's like a mini-getaway to a book lover's idea of heaven.

Go see for yourself here.

Santa vs. Wonka. Who takes that one?

I don't know. But I do know that when a friend posed that question in another forum, the debate was furious.

If you are lucky enough to have friends of this sort -- no, not immature, sleep-deprived fans of midcentury children's television, but intelligent people who aren't afraid to laugh at sophisticated nonsense -- then you should probably get them an anthology I have been picking through: Disquiet, Please! More Humor Writing From The New Yorker, edited by David Remnick and Henry FInder.

To be honest, the book is a slow read. But that's only because every third story or so has me laughing so hard that I have to set it aside.

Contributing authors range from James Thurber to Woody Allen to David Sedaris. It has frigid men, talking monkeys and babies who are too lazy to work. It has Coyote v. Acme, Jesus test-driving an SUV, and lots of bad relationships.

We can all use a laugh right about now. This book offers lots.

And, for the record: Santa takes Wonka in single-man combat, but if you expand it to include Oompa-Loompas against elves, I say all bets are off. Your thoughts?

(Hey, this clip even mentions books at the end!)

I love this (from PaperCuts via GalleyCat):

The BBC reports that in a survey of 1,500 Brits, 46 percent of men and 33 percent of women said they had lied about what they had read to impress friends or potential partners. (The BBC included teenagers in the poll, who lied about the Web sites and song lyrics they were reading. No, really.)

When it comes to books, I am proud to say I have never lied to impress my friends, much less a potential partner, which will come as great relief to my wife, who is hard to impress in any case. Lying to total strangers, however ... well, does it count as a lie if I just stare blankly and nod affirmatively while someone talks?

And I wonder whether the people who were lying were acknowledging bluffing about books they had not read ("War and Peace? Yes, it took up most of my weekend.") or if they included denials about books they don't want to admit they had read (somebody out there bought all those Mack Bolan novels.)

In any case -- if you have tales of bookish lies, executed or exposed, take a few moments to spill them here.

Awhile back, a friend sent me a note seeking suggestions for her book club, which was drawing up the reading list for the coming year.

She told me that if her fellow club members selected "one more Nicholas Sparks book," or one of those "super depressing" Oprah picks, she'd slit her wrists.

Happily, she seems to be doing fine. But her comments came to mind as I read this New York Times piece about book club wars -- the sniping, the selection battles, the pressure.

And here I thought the drama was supposed to be on the pages.

Anyhow, it leads me to pose the question: What's the best fight you ever saw at a book club? Any suggestions on how to avoid them? Or maybe the conflict is part of the fun ...

A woman in Oregon has named her baby Powell, after her favorite bookstore, Powell's Books, Shelf Awareness reports.

I don't foresee an explosion of children being named Legacy, Borders or Barnes in Dallas.

But "Amazon Costco" would make a great name for a hero in an adventure novel.

And if you're considering any of those, let us know.

(On a tangent -- is there a literary story behind your name, or your child's? Long ago, I knew someone who named their baby "Conor Cruise" after writer Conor Cruise O'Brien. Which I thought was the coolest name a baby could hope for. Until that whole TomKat-Kidman-whatever thing ruined it. (Nothing against the kid -- he's kinda cute, isn't he?) )

I know, I know -- you're thinking, "With so much timely, erudite information already posted on Texas Pages, why would I possibly need to bookmark another Texas literary blog?"

I appreciate the sentiment, but the University of Texas is off and running with ShelfLife@Texas, which discusses books by the school's faculty, alumni, students and staff.

Recent topics range from a Q&A with Warren Buffett biographer Alice Schroeder, a discussion on Scotland's Sir Walter Scott, a look at Savannah, Ga. in the Civil War and the Texas connection to a New Yorker story titled "Red Sex, Blue Sex." (UT sociologist Mark Regnerus is the author of Forbidden Fruit: Sex & Religion in the Lives of American Teenagers, which, like "Red Sex, Blue Sex," is a simply terrific title for someone who runs a blog and wants to attract random clicks to help pay the bills.)

In any case, it looks promising. Although you'll still need to come back here for vital literary topics such as, say, images of cats reading books, or other literary cats.

Spotted on the road in Dallas today, on a green SUV:

"ATTICUS FINCH FOR PRESIDENT."

Off the top of my head, I can't think of a fictional character I'd prefer more. Although this year, with reality unfolding more like a horror novel, I don't think I'll be putting any witty write-in names on my own ballot.

GalleyCat has been having fun with tales of relationships that were doomed because of book-related issues.

Your humble books editor does hear a lot of commentary about the strife books can cause amid generally harmonious couples. After a couple of decades of marriage, though, it seems that the issues are not usually about the reading material -- the complaints I hear tend to be about book storage.

Accommodations I have heard in recent months include approaches ranging from "I keep my pile of books in one place, she keeps hers in another, and we don't touch each other's under penalty of death" to "I can get as many books as I want, as long as I don't stack them on the floor."

Mrs. Humble Books editor does not complain about the Book Mountain that has formed in our library, so long as she is fed a regular diet of non-frilly contemporary fiction and biographies of a certain presidential candidate.

How about you? How do you keep the peace in your house? Or did your reading habits already drive someone away?

Having just returned from a wonderful week in New Orleans, it occurs to me that the Crescent City is the exact opposite of Dallas when it comes to bookstores: Whereas Dallas has pretty much nothing but big-box bookstores such as Barnes & Noble and Borders, New Orleans after Katrina has no big bookstores, unless you head to the suburbs. The one large bookstore downtown, the Bookstar on Decatur, is long gone, leaving just a handful of delightful, funky stores in the French Quarter, Garden District and Uptown.

These are bookstores that still smell like bookstores, with artfully disheveled piles of treasure just waiting to be lazily pawed through. My favorites are Faulkner House, on Pirate's Alley in the French Quarter (in the building where Faulkner wrote his first novel), and the divine Garden District Book Shop at Prytania and Washington in the Garden District. Both are well-stocked with works by local and national authors, and have amazingly knowledgeable staffers who have been there for decades (as opposed to the mere minutes of tenure that most staff seem to have at the big stores). If you haven't been to New Orleans in a while, it's worth it just for the books.

Oh, and the Big Easy is getting a big store soon -- a Borders is slated to open this fall in the Garden District. But in true New Orleans style, it won't be in just any ol' building; it'll be in the historic, beautiful and slightly creepy former headquarters of Bultman's Funeral Home on St. Charles Avenue. Bet they'll have a big section on New Orleans cemeteries and ghosts ...

The eternally young author celebrated at a "Blumesday" event in Hollywood, and The Los Angeles Times was there. In a virtual sort of way.

And a few months late, since her actual birthday was Feb. 12.

But what the heck. It sounds like it was a good time.

I am tempted to drive up the traffic on this blog by asking readers to allow their junior-high copies of Forever to fall open the page that it naturally falls open to after repeated re-readings at slumber parties, and post the results here. But we still have our standards, for now.

You can still post any other Judy Blume thoughts at will.

If you like Stephen King and you like graphic novels, this online offering will be your cup of cyanide-laced tea. Virtually speaking, of course.

Bordersmedia.com is presenting Mr. King's original, 25-segment graphic novel called N, with a new episode being posted daily.

Mr. King has been getting into the graphic-novel scene in a big way lately. He just launched a Dark Tower series of graphic novels, as well as another series based on his evergreen saga of a post-pandemic apocalypse, The Stand.

For more on those projects, see details and previews on his website, stephenking.com

Former colleague and poetic blog contributor Michael Grabell, now saving the world from points east, spots this bookish entry in The New York Times' Metropolitan Diary:

Dear Diary:

He smiled beatifically and replied, "All around us."

Yep, your humble books editor is back from vacation. Let's have a shout-out to Joy Tipping for keeping things humming here during my absence. ("HEY JOY! THANKS!")

While I get caught up on things, here's a relatively fresh report on the winners of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. That's the contest that asks for the worst first line to an imaginary novel -- at least, we hope these are imaginary and never cross our desk.

First, let's highlight some Texans who were listed among the Dishonorable Mentions:

The homicide detective was an aging woman with a crusty and somewhat ill-tempered personality, an individual who reminded me of the kind of woman my mother, a Sunday-school teacher, would have been if she had been a crusty and somewhat ill-tempered homicide detective.

-- Bill Crumpler, McKinney

Ted feared that the line between his jobs as plastic surgeon and butcher was blurring when he found himself injecting Botox into a rump roast he was preparing for his wife and mother-in-law, who was a decent person except for the hideous wart on her nose that begged to be removed -- a simple task for his boning knife.

-- Wayne Carmichael, Tyler

Town mayor Alvaredo Sanchez, in defense of Carmelita's indubitable honor, cracked the very expensive ocean-mist smoky-blue bottle of worm-in-bottom tequila over the badly balding head of his political opponent senior Montaya Gonzales, who runs the Toyota factory in town.

-- Randy R. Wise, Paradise

Full story follows, if you can stomach it.

I've gotten a lot of comments from my friends about reading Stephenie Meyer's fabulous "Twilight" series of vampire romances. They were published as "young adult," but they've crossed over to "older women" (I'm 47) in a big way.

Apparently, they've also crossed the gender barrier. While serving on jury duty on Wednesday, I saw a gentleman who appeared in his late 60s or 70s, thoroughly engrossed in Breaking Dawn, the recently released fourth book in the series.

Texas Non-Fiction Writers is "a new online community that encourages interest and excellence in Texas non-fiction." That's what the e-mail from Jeff Morgenthaler tells me about his organization. He also mentions that they are preparing a retreat this fall in Boerne. The lineup has several familiar Texas names on the agenda -- among them, Elmer Kelton, Joe Nick Patoski and Michael Erard. Attendance is limited, and thanks to underwriting, the cost is only $50.

And all of this comes my way because someone forwarded me the results of their bad writing contest -- which was won by Lydia Ondrusek of Richardson. Let me don the hazmat suit and gingerly lift the news release into place below. Don't say I didn't warn you.

The Telegraph (via Shelf Awareness) has turned a video camera to some British writers to get some confessions on books they have not read.

Readers who noted the New York Times review of 1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die will notice some familiar themes. But even if I can't agree with commenters such as the defiant holder of a master's in literature who has never read Homer and never will, it's always reassuring to find that I'm not the only one with more books around than hours in the day to read them.

But while we're on the topic again ... anybody want to add to the list of confessions? Or proclaim the Great Book that you are proud to have ignored all these years and are happy to just keep ignoring?

The folks over at Frontburner, who love to lob rhetorical hand grenades on all things Dallas and, frequently, base their commentary on actual facts, have pulled together a ranking of Dallas bookstores.

As much as I enjoy the people who work at them, I've always thought that the corporate sameness of many of the Dallas stores makes such a comparison almost pointless. But any talk about Dallas bookstores is a good talk as far as I'm concerned. And the long list of comments from readers about stores of days gone by is worth the click.

(And if you're hungry for more on Dallas bookstores, see our previous discussions on Half-Price Books, Legacy Books and Recycled Books.)

And now, for some of the high-quality literary news you come here for:

Britain's Telegraph, (via ArtsJournal), reports on the trend of literary tattoos.

Pulling from the literary tattoo Web site Contrariwise ...

(all you English majors out there, pause to reflect on the fact that there is now such a thing as a "literary tattoo Web site," and ponder this exciting new career option)

... the Telegraph offers page after page of people who have literature-inspired designs or passages that did, actually, get under their skin.

I desperately want to hear your thoughts on this subject. Do you have a book-related tattoo? Would you consider one? Would it count as "literary" if I got the bar code from my library card tattooed on my forearm, so I never have to pay the fee for a lost card again?

And although I can respect some of this body art, particularly the woman who put Kurt Vonnegut's "asterisk" on her back, would you agree that there are some books you just do NOT want to see tattooed on a person heading your way? My nominees:

-- Lolita, especially if he's asking my daughter for a date.

-- In Cold Blood, Helter Skelter or anything by Stephen King, because ... just because.

-- Any memoir, because aren't we all tired of memoirs?

The Baltimore Sun has a relatively new (and already thriving) blog, dubbed Read Street. And they recently asked readers to suggest the best bookstores for vacationers.

Which is a clever enough idea, but they took it a step further and compiled this handy map. Each little circle stands for a bookstore somebody loves.

You will notice the large Texas-shaped hole in the middle. Editors at The Sun did. And they are asking for your help in filling it.

What do say? Where would you send vacationing book-loving Marylanders (or others) who found themselves in Texas?

For Harry Potter fans making Portus plans this weekend, here's a look at the highlights for the rest of the weekend:
Friday: Lots of talk by Potter academics and experts in the morning and afternoon, lots of food, Portus Podcast Palooza from 6:30 p.m. to 1 a.m., North American Federation's 140th Merlin's Cup, Indoor Quidditch Division (meeting for players and officials at 6 p.m., games from 8 to 11 p.m.)
Saturday: Jim Dale, the man of the 100-plus voices behind the Harry Potter CDs, starting at 9 a.m. and continuing all day, screenings of Wizard Rockumentary (a film about the wizard rock bands directed by twin sisters Megan and Mallory Schuyler, 23, of Spokane Washington; DVDs will be on sale), water quidditch from 5-8 p.m., and the hotly awaited Mystery Masquerade Ball from 9 p.m. to 1 a.m.
Sunday: auction, feast, social, a post-portus Wizard Rock Dance Party (from 6-10 p.m.) and your last chance to buy wands, robes and Harry Potter books in every language imaginable, from Greek to Latin to Gaelic.

I noted in the last post how much fun everyone seemed to be having as friends and web colleagues from across the country enjoyed their reunions (www.mugglenet.com staffers from California, Maryland, Georgia and New York were all catching up with each other in anticipation of the big live podcast they will be hosting tonight). But I should add that there was also a worshipful hush emanating from a screening room where the Harry Potter films will be shown throughout the weekend. There were a few fans in the back who made a few attempts to talk back to the screen, making jokes -- which is evidently supposed to be the Rocky Horror Picture Show-type custom at these screenings. But the viewers who were rapt and reverent did not appreciate it and the jokers eventually slunk out of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban around the same time that Harry exorcised the boggart in Professor Lupin's classroom.

Following up on my last post about the Moaning Myrtles' Toilet Humor' album, one thing that struck me about the Potter fans at Portus is how much fun most of them were having. I ran into one woman whose costume stood out for having a not-quite Potter-like pink pig with wings on her head, setting off her shirt that said "Hairy Otter." It turns out that Valerie Frankel, 27, of San Jose, California was at the convention selling her hot-off-the-Wingspan Press Potter parody, Henry Potty and the Deathly Paper Shortage ('Henry's' concern evidently is that he is not getting enough fan mail). This send-up of the seventh book is a follow-up to her first and only other Potter parody, Henry Potty and the Pet Rock, which won an Indie Excellence Award, a Phelan Award for Humor and was named a USA Book News National Best Book. You can find out more about it here, on www.HarryPotterParody.com.

Before everyone scatters to the beach/mountains/liquor store for the holiday weekend, are you up for a meaningless literary debate? Good, here we go.

It's an American literature version of "Beatles vs. Rolling Stones" battle for July 4: Which is the greatest American novel: Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn, F.Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby or Toni Morrison's Beloved?

Huck Finn has contains the Mississippi River, a very American road trip (albeit on a raft) and a confrontation of racial issues that's still rattling us all these years later. It also has the blessing of Hemingway's quote: "All American writing comes from that. There was nothing before. There has been nothing as good since."

Gatsby deals with the very American ideals of excess wealth and the nature of being a self-made man. And it has the closing line most discussed by high school English teachers.

After reading today's story on beach reads, you can find additional suggestions from the Washington Post .

And you can see our own discussion of summer reading right here on Texas Pages.

Then tell us your own favorite summertime reading experiences.

I heard directly from Doug Valentine, whose video (mentioned here, but this link should take you directly there) still needs to be viewed by anyone who has used or abused a librarian, or just read "Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse."

Doug says he and his wife (and co-star) Karen will both be working at McKillop Elementary in Melissa next year. (She has been in Melissa for two years, and he has spent the past four in the Richardson system.)

I asked him how the video came about. He writes:

I found this article about scientists who have used astronomy to peg a date for Odysseus' homecoming to be intriguing.

But what really gave me pause, in a pre-coffee sort of way, was the auto-generated option at the bottom of the page inviting me to sign up for breaking news alerts on ... Homer.

What would that be like?

"This just in -- the child of morning, rosy-fingered Dawn, was adopted by Angelina Jolie today ... a Japanese automaker and the Odysseus family have struck a long-term naming rights agreement; new 'Honda Telemachus' minivan will debut in fall. ... "

Like I said, this was before coffee.

Over on Neighborsgo.com, Plano's Doug Valentine has written about his creation of a video he entered in the Gale/Librareo contest ... and won.

I can't embed the video, but if you've ever checked out a book from a school library -- click here. It's worth it.

Just got back from the extremely fun Sarah Bird event at Borders in Dallas. Austin's Ms. Bird, author of the newly released How Perfect Is That, had about 50 very enthusiastic fans turn out for her talk and reading. She claims to have once been "pathologically shy ... borderline catatonic ... on my way to a cloistered convent," but she's definitely gotten over that!

She told a very funny, very raunchy story about going to a writer's workshop with "queen of the groupies" Pamela Des Barres that I'm sure made the Borders folks a little nervous as it went out over the microphone. But hey, the crowd loved it.

She also showed heretofore unsuspected acting abilities -- giving a hilarious rendering of the West Texas mom in her book, as well as a dead-on impersonation of Dubya.

And good news: How Perfect, she just found out, is already in its second printing. Read more about it in our review and interview with her.

OK, by my quick count, there are about half a dozen book stores I can drive to within 15 or 20 minutes of my downtown office. (If I can afford the gas and North Central Expressway is not backed up.) I'm also a short walk from the J. Eric Jonsson Central Library.

Meanwhile, according to Paper Cuts, Midtown Manhattan has become a "veritable literary desert".

So, book lovers -- where would you rather be?

"I was sitting on the side of my bed in my pajamas, thinking about getting up, but not yet committed. I didn't feel very well, but I didn't feel as sick as I ought to, not as sick as I would feel if I had a salaried job. My head hurt and felt large and hot and my tongue was dry and had gravel on it and my throat was stiff and my jaw was not untender. But I had had worse mornings."

I'm on a noir kick, and that quote from Farewell, My Lovely (by Raymond Chandler) seemed approrpriate to kick-start the week. Marlowe has just been nearly choked to death by a con man's thug, brained by a corrupt cop, shot up with drugs and ticked off the beautiful, brilliant woman who loves him.

Yeah, I know -- it sounds just like my weekend, too.

Jackie Collins' tour bus, site of my aforementioned interview with William Shatner, is so big that it deserves its own blog post.

It already has its own Web site, sort of. In interviews, she's said it once belonged to Mariah Carey, although people at the scene told me it was Avril Lavigne's. Maybe it was both. All three could fit in there.

Anyhow, you can see it for yourself at 7 p.m. July 7, when Ms. Collins visits Borders at Preston and Royal to sign Married Lovers.

Hey, Sex and the City fans.

If you're a fan of Sex and the City, aimlessly surfing over to a books blog because the editor filled a post with gratuitous Sex and the City references (and links to our recent review, feature story and box office report), you might also be looking for that book Love Letters of Great Men, which Carrie Bradshaw reads while in bed.

That's great. We at the Texas Pages blog encourage you to read. But there's a problem with that particular title, the Associated Press reports ....

It's harder than it sounds to create such a list.

Judy Alter solicited nominees for us some time ago.

The folks at Texas Books in Review are trying to do the same.

We're happy to call attention to it, because if you can't use the Internet to spark pointless arguments about esoteric topics, what good is it anyway?

(While there, you can also note some of the excellent titles they've been reading. Can't read the reviews, but you can note the titles. Then consider getting your own subscription to this quarterly.)

Hey, it works for farmers!

Thomas McGonigle, a contributor to the Jacket Copy blog at the Los Angeles Times, has a modest proposal to clear the literary air in America: Have George Soros pay established, stuck-in-a-rut writers to hang it up.

"If anyone doubts the benefits of my proposal just step back and think of the small pleasure knowing that there are no more novels from Saul Bellow and Susan Sontag! No more short stories from Raymond Carver!"

It's not a bad idea, although Mr. McGonigle's list of nominees includes just about every known writer, plus every unknown writer working for a university. Plus certain entire genres.

Which would certainly give me a lot more free time.

Still, I would have chosen a narrower target.

Such as, say, memoirs by people under 40.

Got any nominees of your own?

Ethics question of the day: Say you aspire to provide a refuge for intelligent conversation about books at a large regional news organization.

And say you're reading one of the hundreds of books-related e-mails you get each day (such as from Shelf Awareness) and you notice an item that has nothing to do with books, really, except it mentions some attractive celebs who have just gone shopping at a geunine, real, live book store.

Do you ignore it and go searching for news of great literary import? Or do you post a link
to the story -- which contains phrases such as "the 40-year-old actress wore a purple figure-hugging top but still looked slimline" and "it looks as if after months in rehab last year, he is turning his back on his wild ways"-- just to pander to random Web surfers, whose hits are as valuable as any in keeping this enterprise up and running?

OK, next question.

(AP Photo/Isaac Brekken)

It's nothing personal, according to this New York Observer item sent in by reviewer Elizabeth Bennett. The Irish author was spotted at the PEN Literary Awards last month:

"I'm not a blog man," he said in his melodious brogue. "I've read two in my life. I really don't like to be sequestered in a room with a screen. I'd rather sit in a bar and listen to some guy uttering platitudes. You need time to think for yourself; I can't absorb it all anymore. A book is enough, and a bar."

Thank you, Texas Pages readers, for feeling otherwise. At least now and then.

(But if anyone has suggestions on how we can move this whole enterprise to a bar where I can get paid to utter platitudes ... I am all ears.)

If you read just one meaningless, ridiculously funny books link this week, you must read the most literate rap song ever written: "Baby Got Books," as posted on the "Shelftalker" blog and referenced by our friend Galleycat.

As I wipe the tears out of my eyes, here is a sample:

I like pages galore
And when I'm in an indie bookstore
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna take 'em all home
And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh
I ain't talking 'bout Dan Brown
'Cause his books are made for clowns

And all you single readerz may wish to try this line out on the ladies this weekend:

'Cause I'm glossy, and I'm saucy
And I'm down to be your Mr. Darcy.

Word.

If there was any doubt that Texas author Rick Riordan was hitting it big with kids with his Percy Jackson series (which started with The Lightning Thief), the author has just signed a multi-book deal with Disney Publishing Worldwide which includes a new, original fantasy series. In the meantime, a 1 million copy first printing has been announced for the fourth in the projected five book series about a boy who discovers his father is Poseidon (yes, the Greek god of the sea). Percy Jackson & The Olympians, Book 4: The Battle of the Labyrinth comes out Tuesday, May 6. I've got an advance copy in hand and Greek god fan that I am, I'm thoroughly getting into it...And while Mr. Riordan won't be in town for the big release, his cousin Minette Riordan, will be at the Barnes & Noble at 7700 West Northwest Highway Tuesday, May 6 from 4 to 5 p.m. to read from the book and host lots of myth-themed activities. Call 214-739-1124 for information.

I enjoyed the responses to the post about the secret horrors of working in a bookstore.

Now here's a story from a fellow survivor, spotted by alert staffer Christopher Wynn, about something I never had to deal with: shoplifting crazies, and a list of the most-stolen books.

(R-rated language alert -- it's an alt-weekly story.)

Check out Joyce Sáenz Harris' story about the Market Street Book Club here.

To mark the Bard's deathday, MSN.com has a fun quiz on the life and times of William Shakespeare.

With the help of some good guessing, I got 8 out of 10 right. And here's a bonus question: What other eminent European writer died on the same date as Shakespeare? Go to the jump for the answer...

This lovely quote was tucked inside the Vintage/Anchor Books fall catalog.

"To carry a book in your pocket or in your bag, particularly in times of sadness, is to be in possession of another world, a world that can bring you happiness." -- From Other Colors, by Orhan Pamuk

Amen, brother.

So, I was asked to be a Reading Ambassador for the fifth graders at Barksdale Elementary in Plano and I brought along my copy of Lois Lowry's latest, The Willoughbys. Now most of the kids were well aware of the two-time Newbery Medal winner through the books of hers that are most frequently assigned: Number the Stars, a story about a Danish family that helps Jews escape during the Holocaust, and The Giver, a futuristic look at a highly programmed society in which memories, music, colors and strong emotions are forbidden (the book is now getting a terrific stage production at the Dallas Children's Theater through Sunday). But with these two books being so serious, they were surprised to be laughing along with me at The Willoughbys, a parody of all those good little orphan kid stories. The bell rang with the kids clamoring for more after I got through the chapter where the not so nice Willoughby kids abandon a baby named Ruth (rendering them 'ruthless'). So what could I do but donate my copy to their school library? I'm always amazed by Lois Lowry's versatility. After three decades of writing for young adults, she still manages to surprise and delight.

I just spent five days in Denver for the American Copy Editors Society conference (ACES: The few, the proud, the defiantly picky!), and although the conference left little time for sightseeing, I did manage to get to the Tattered Cover's historic downtown store twice.

I was going to get all evangelical about Dallas' need for something similar, but I see that while I was gone, we had the announcement about Legacy Books coming to the Shops at Legacy in Plano. Well, I'm really, really happy for Plano, and I hope Legacy does indeed follow the inspiration of Tattered Cover and other legendary indies. But Dallas -- c'mon, Dallas, are we gonna let PLANO have a better bookstore? Geez.

So allow me a brief moment of evangelicism: TC is pretty much everything a great bookstore should be -- filled with creaky wooden floors and shelves, with sections that are beautifully organized but in a "thinking outside the box" way that leads you to selections you never knew you desperately needed until ... there they were. The last thing I need in my house is more books, but somehow two TC shopping bags found their way home with me. On my first trip, midday on a Wednesday, the store was full of contented customers being helped by fabulously eccentric, incredibly book-smart employees. I've been in a local big-chain bookstore at that same time of day when I was the only custumer in sight.

My favorite part of TC is the utter care taken in terms of helpfulness. All over the store, little handwritten signs answer the questions to apparently frequently-asked-questions. You might wonder, while perusing the journal section, "Where are the purse-sized address books?" A teensy sign points the way: "The itty-bitty address books are over on the checkout counter, near the bookmarks." Ahhh. Customer Service. It still exists; who knew?

Everyone had a grand time the last time I posted something that made fun of bad book reviews. Well, in private e-mails to me, at least.

So let's try it again: as noted on Critical Mass, the Old Hag blog is looking for "the best word or phrase to describe when a reviewer commences with a personal anecdote, generally of dubious relevance, that just-so-happenstancedly manages to contain certain tangential and ill-concealed references to the reviewer's own achievements/successes. (See: "At the end of our freshman year at Harvard, my roommates and I...") "

Would love to hear your suggestions. This blogger should definitely not be casting stones through the walls of this glass house (he said, while relishing last night's overtime victory by the National Champion Kansas Jayhawks.)

But I do know of a term that's sort of related.

The London Daily Telegraph's Sunday magazine, Seven, rolls out its list of "The 110 Best Books," a compilation which, it says, would make "the perfect library."

The perfect English gentleman's library, we presume they mean. It's a good list, all right, but awfully Brit-centric. What, no Adventures of Huckleberry Finn? No Great Gatsby?

And why, oh why, include Jonathan Livingston Seagull among "Books That Changed Your World"? OK, so it probably changed Richard Bach's world, not to mention his bank account. But was anybody else's worldview permanently affected by Bach's story of a seagull?

Here's the Telegraph's list. What do you think?

Your humble books editor gets a lot of his humility from being schooled in Kansas. A modest place, Kansas is. Maybe it's all those years of "Wizard of Oz" jokes.

The state has nothing to be ashamed of in a literary sense, of course. Lawrence alone was home to both Langston Hughes and William S. Buroughs.

It's also home to an inconsistent but just-brilliant-enough basketball team, which will play in a national championship game tonight.

Memphis fans will have to post their own literary heroes here. But I'll offer up these otherwise neutral links about basketball books, which I hope everyone can agree on. No matter who wins tonight. Though I modestly hope for ... oh, forget it. Rock chalk.

While the calendar gives us an excuse, let's stay lighthearted, sort of, with a review of ""The McSweeney's Joke Book of Book Jokes" (Vintage Books, 224 pages. $12.95), by the Editors of McSweeney's:

I'm afraid I have no great tales about independent booksellers purchasing Borders, the new Google/Virgin Mars colony, or even the the Swiss spaghetti harvest.

But I do have some tidbits from the advance copy of a real book, "Stop Me If You've Heard This: A History and Philosophy of Jokes," by Jim Holt. Norton won't release the book until July, but, as even an amateur humor scholar knows -- timing is everything. So I'm talking about it today.

"Stop Me If You've Heard This" is a delightful little treatise that probably owes its existence to the success of Harry G. Frankfurt's "On Bull----." Similarly, it takes a serious look at a lighthearted topic, and turns up some fascinating trivia, such as:

Vaccuum repair stores and sellers of tomatoe's: beware.

Armed with Wite-Out and markers, two men are crossing America to correct its typos, the Boston Globe reports.

"We're not going after people in a self-righteous manner, like fashion police. Or trying to make them look stupid," says Jeff Deck. "Instead, we're addressing specific errors like confusing 'its' for 'it's' or 'you're" for 'your.' Finding and correcting these, even every once in a while, is incredibly satisfying."

"If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs."

That's according to The Bookseller magazine, which just announced its Diagram prize, as reported by The Associated Press.

"Big Boom's" work defeated "I Was Tortured by the Pygmy Love Queen" and the third-place finisher, "Cheese Problems Solved."

Other contenders were "How to Write a How to Write Book," "Are Women Human? And Other International Dialogues" and "People who Mattered in Southend and Beyond: From King Canute to Dr Feelgood."

Past winners include the memorable "Weeds in a Changing World" (1999), "The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories" (2003); "Bombproof Your Horse" (2004); and "The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification" (2006).

Bloomberg News delves into some of the history of the prize, noting the inaugural award in 1978 went to ``Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice.''

From a youth title that just crossed the books editor's desk:

"Have you ever seen a face hidden in the bark of a tree and known that the man trapped inside wanted to hurt you?"

Uh, no.

Last year, I was proud to discover that the whitebread Denver suburb I grew up in had once been the actual home of none other than Jack Kerouac.

It seems others in the area are proud of him as well -- proud enough to slap his name on a loft development. Here's a sample from the description:

The exterior of the building is designed to echo the industrial character of the area, providing a unique home for the adventurous in spirit. The Jack Kerouac Lofts will convey the impression of an industrial building adapted for human habitation, set in a conveniently located and rapidly evolving new neighborhood.

In real-estate speak, I think that means that the neighborhood might still be dangerous enough that Jack would feel at home there.

(Thanks to Michael Hamtil for the tip.)

Spotted on Maud Newton's blog: California writer Jim Ruland's recipe for Irish tamales.

I am hopeful this post might unleash a torrent of Texas-themed literary recipes because:

a) I am sure that when it comes to tamales, some Texas writer out there knows he or she can do better, and;

b) It is close to lunchtime and I am feeling ... peckish.

If you read books and have a computer, somebody has probably already sent this to you.

But just in case they have not, let us welcome Thomas Cahill to Dallas (read our story about him here) with assistance from the Medieval Help Desk.

Bad news, Hobbit fans: The stage musical of "The Lord of the Rings" will close in London on July 19, 13 months after opening.
It will have lasted 492 performances. With a budget of $24 million, it is one of the most expensive musicals ever produced, according to The Associated Press.
But don't go jumping into the fires of Mount Doom just yet. Producers are working on ... a German adaptation!
Because if there's one thing the world has been demanding more than singing Hobbits, it's singing German Hobbits.

From bookreporter.com (via Shelf Awareness), a memo to Eliot Spitzer:

"If you spent the $4,300 you were alleged to have spent on the night of February 13th on books, you could have bought 172 hardcover books at an average price of $25.

"If, as rumored, you spent $80,000 on escort services over the past decade, you could have bought 3,200 hardcover books at an average price of $25.
...

"These books could have been about sex. There are at least 172 books about sex. I am sure there also are 3,200. If these books were trade paperbacks, double this number.

"If you did this, you still would be governor."

Several tales, actually.

Will Howard, creator and distributor of Will's Texana Monthly, has compiled a bibliography of Texas vampire literature. He makes it available for free at his blog.

How important is Texas in the vampire universe? Well, Will points out, it was a TEXAN who fatally impaled Vlad with his bowie knife in Bram Stoker's 1897 "Dracula."

Will also made contact with the modern queen of vampire lit, Anne Rice. Loyal followers will know that she's a product of Richardson High. Will had asked about Texas locales in her work, and she said: "As I recall, the 'Queen of the Damned' was the only novel in which I used my Texas experience. Baby Jenks the little biker novel comes from the area around Cedar Creek lake where I lived, and I get to describe the towns."

For those of you whose publishing dreams may have been dented, if not totally dashed, by the recent spate of memoirist "outings" -- the girl who supposedly lived with wolves during World War II, the girl who supposedly lived with gang members in South Central LA -- Christopher Beam over at Slate.com has come up with a wonderfully snarky "Fake Memoirist's Survival Guide: How to Embellish Your Life Story Without Getting Caught."

For instance, he suggests: "Specificity is your enemy. Write with passionate vagueness. Avoid precise dates; don't get more exact than the year if you can help it. Better yet, the decade. ... When in doubt, go with 'awhile.' "

Here's the entire piece.

That bit of Texas science fiction news and the arrival of a fresh cup of joe sent me looking for that old Kurt Vonnegut coffee achievers ad. This is the best I could do. You only catch a glimpse of him for a moment, but I hope the net effect is to amuse those of you who, like me, will need to start doing some real work on a Monday morning any moment now.

The site One-Minute Book Reviews will be announcing its shortlist for the Delete Key awards -- which "do not recognize the worst books' but the worst writing in books (typically, individual lines or paragraphs)."

Among the nominees is the Texas-based Devil in the Junior League.

(On a kinder note, a story about the book from our archives is attached below.)

(From Dance Halls & Dreamers)

• Review: Pat Green's book sings praises of Texas dance halls
• Blog: Sons of Hermann on danced-out Texas dance hall list
• More info: dancehallsanddreamers.com

The very short story craze is getting out of hand.

It began with Ernest Hemingway allegedly responding to a challenge to tell a story in six words or less. His response: "For Sale: baby shoes, never worn."

The first modern version I saw appeared in 2006 in Wired, which asked science fiction writers to attempt stories in six words or less. Some replies:

"Husband, transgenic mistress; wife: 'You cow!' "
-- Paul Di Filippo

"We kissed. She melted. Mop please!"
- -James Patrick Kelly

In November, Judy Alter noted this 12-word novel-writing contest. Some of the finalists among thousands of entries were:

"'There are no atheists in foxholes,' said the chaplain, 'so get out.'"
-- Jonathan Swiller

"Well, I warned her. Chickens do not like to ride in cars."
-- Jeanine Farrell

This month, NPR reported on Smith magazine's
quest for a six-word memoir. The magazine has even compiled a book, "Not Quite What I Was Planning," which includes the likes of:

Although it's admittedly a stretch.

Still, Galleycat notes that New Yorker editor Ben Greenman has made a hobby of doing musical treatments of current events. (His "Death Comes for Britney Spears," via YouTube, is posted below. It's marginally naughty -- and the acting is, um, no threat to any of the Oscar nominees.)

Anyhow, his latest work is about Texas' own Roger Clemens, and is posted at McSweeney's. Sample dialogue, which I suppose is vaguely Shakespearean, which makes it literary:

BRIAN MCNAMEE

Roger, I swear,
I'm in such despair.
I never meant to cause you any pain,
But, Roger, see,
They ordered me
To tell them what your shots really contained.

ROGER CLEMENS

If I had a baseball right here in my hand,
I'd hurl it hard at the spot where you stand.
Maybe I'd miss but maybe I'd hit.
Maybe, you numskull, your dumb skull would split.

It goes on like that.

Anyhow -- here's Britney.

Here's a title that floated across my desk that, if you are seen reading it, is guaranteed to prevent you from having a Valentine's date. Ever.

"Captain Kirk's Guide to Women," by John "Bones" Rodriguez, is just what it says. Allow me to quote from the blurb:

"Captain Kirk's status as an interstellar stud is proven by his ability to seduce any woman, in any situation, in any part of the galaxy. From high-society princesses to unbalanced Orion slave girls, from gender-switching shape-shifters to emotion-deprived androids – they all swoon, acquiesce, and malfunction from just one kiss. But a single question remains in the minds of Star Trek fans aboard Starship Earth: How does he do it?"

If this book actually helps anyone -- well, you and your new starmate deserve each other.

I can't actually think of anyone less likely to offer useful advice on dating ... unless, of course, it would be Mr. Spock.

The "Good Reads" panel had a brief sidebar about couples who love books -- and the potential for clashes therein. Soon after, I got an e-mail from a reader who mentioned how a book played a role in his own courtship.

But in the spirit of the holiday, today I'm soliciting your tales of how books helped you find your loved one. I don't necessarily want to hear about how "The Game" worked for you on your last visit to Ghostbar. I was thinking of something perhaps more permanent than one night.

A book figures prominently in your Humble Books Editor's courtship of Mrs. Humble Books Editor. At least, we think it was the book that caught her eye that day 22 years ago in the dorm common area -- we know it wasn't my fashion sense. (Because unlike great literature, cutoffs and "Garfield" T-shirts do actually go out of style.)

Your own story -- and certainly, your own book -- is certainly much more sophisticated and interesting.

So you're dying to dive into a sleazy, steamy new title from your favorite romance author, but you don't want the other coaches on the wrestling team bus to think poorly of your literary taste?

Alert reader Bill Marvel discovered a product that just might save the day.

Chips? Check. Gallon of guac? Check. List of football-themed books to read to prepare for the Super Bowl?

Readers at Shelf Awareness have compiled a few ideas. I've copied below -- while I solicit your suggestions. Here are a couple of titles mentioned in our own pages to prime the pump:

"Twelve Mighty Orphans: The Inspiring True Story of the Mighty Mites Who Ruled Texas Football," by Jim Dent.

"The Blind Side," by Michael Lewis, a look inside the world of an immense -- and immensely talented -- high school athlete. Our critic said, "Mr. Lewis is a terrific reporter and a gifted prose stylist. He absorbs the vibrations of the world he immerses himself in without getting carried away."

And, of course, the just-published "Greatest Team Ever," which Cowboys fans might want to flip through while two morally inferior teams battle for the trophy that every true Dallas resident knows is the rightful property of Jerry Jones.

(Your humble books editor, never one to hide his roots, will probably spend the afternoon searching YouTube for video footage of Super Bowl XXXII -- John Elway 31, Green Bay 24. Life was good.)

On the one hand, I'm kind of appalled at the idea of turning an old book into mere decorative material.

On the other hand, the concept reminded me that a segment of my parents' basement was done in a similar style when we moved into the house in the late 1970s. One wall was a decoupage of 1920s magazine ads; one area was papered in replicas of historic newspaper front pages -- Titanic sinks! Man walks on moon! And, poetically, from Lincoln's murder: "A TERRIBLE EVENT."

So I actually learned a lot of history from staring at that wall. (No, we did not have cable TV back then.)

I can't really speak to its decorative merits. But do you think I should consider replacing my first-grader's "Hannah Montana" posters with a wall full of Phyllis Wheatley?
(Spotted on Maud Newton's blog.)

Alert colleague Holly Warren spotted this link, to Books-a-Minute Classics, a resource for those who want to familiarize themselves with great literature without having to bother with the hassle of reading any books.

For example, here is the summary for "Don Quixote:"

Don Quixote
Chivalry demands I destroy that evil thing.

Sancho Panza
No, master. It is something ordinary and harmless.

Don Quixote
(falls down)

THE END

As an editor, I can really get into this.

How about a dead-of-winter contest to perk up the brain cells?

Have you seen the clever mantra for Michael Pollan's new book, In Defense of Food?

"Eat food. Not Too Much. Mostly Plants."

A NY Times blogger invited others to distill their Deep Thoughts into just seven words. It's an idea worth copying.

Have a a look at some samples here and give it a go on any subjects you like--politics, art, diet, music, philosophy, etc.

No Prizes.* Write for Pride. Get Started.

*Unless the Books Chief wants to add one!

Yesterday, we started our hunt for the best place in Dallas for a book club to meet.

Our friends over at the Eats blog joined us in our quest, and garnered a few responses of their own.

It's no "Cooking With Pooh," but it's hard to not laugh when you reach into the mailbox and pull out. "How to Fossilze Your Hamster (And Other Amazing Experiments for the Armchair Scientist."

As spotted on The Elegant Variation, AbeBooks.com has interviewed several authors about their tattoos.

Herman Melville I might have expected. But Dorothy Parker and John Irving?

Over the year, we have discussed Steinbeck, Junot Diaz and Hunter S. Thompson.

We brought you breaking news on Nan Talese and Ben Fountain.

So according to Google, what was my most-linked-to blog post of the year?

Hint: I guess I need to write more about cookbooks. Or potty-training.

Or potty humor.

I don't know if you have to have German relatives to appreciate this column about how hard it is to translate humor.

But I think it would help.

The folks up at Plano-based The First Line are giving away 100 subscriptions.

But: You have to find them.

"We're pretty sure this is the largest literary treasure hunt ever," they say.

Tally ho.

I enjoyed getting to write about The Onion's "Our Dumb World" in today's paper. Sadly, I was unable to find a single page from the book that the more responsible editors I work for thought would be fit to reprint in The Dallas Morning News. It's a pity, because if you like The Onion's dark, scathing style of satire, the book is viciously, milk-through-the-nose funny.

On the other hand, that kind of satire goes completely over the heads of some people. So maybe it's for the best. It can be bad enough when mobs of angry people storm your office, but when they are humorless as well -- man, that's the worst.

All is not lost, though. The Onion itself has posted a few samples on its own. If you are highly technoliterate, you can even get some entires to appear in the Google Earth program. But you need to see the book -- it's funnier in its true format.

Because you love books, and because some of you love Oklahoma -- I'll let you know that the University of Oklahoma Press has 1,100 titles discounted for its holiday sale.

Alert reader Michael Precker notifies us that the Atlanta newspaper is having some fun with bad book titles.

Their winner, a book that Amazon.com confirms is real:

"Cooking With Pooh."